I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she peed on how many people?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
