Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
