after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
What a dumb baby whore.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
