Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
