you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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