I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
