My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I cut my penus on the lid.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize