If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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