Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
