I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize