We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
