i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
