god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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