I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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