imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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