He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
