Jerry, you need to find god
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
