the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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