gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
