why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
