just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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