Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
