Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
