Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
