My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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