I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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