i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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