I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
