i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
