I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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