that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
