My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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