Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just high enough for therapy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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