I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
