I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
