Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
