im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Randomize
