gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize