It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
