is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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