i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize