so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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