um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
