Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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