Yo dont text me then not text me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
