FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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