Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
