Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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