You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
