you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
