She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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