I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
