alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
