She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
