you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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