And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
