Umm I'm too high to move.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
