Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize