I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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