she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
