it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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