Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
