rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
someone owes me an orgasm
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
