My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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